Negative Cycle
Outer Circle
This is the area of the Cycle that commands the most attention on a day-to-day basis. What is stress, how do we handle it and how do all of these elements work together?
Stress
Everyone has stress in their lives and I am guessing you are no exception! But, did you know that you can train yourself to recognize and cope with stress more effectively. What is important to know up front is that there are two general kinds of stress. There is negative stress that we are good at seeing. Then, there is the positive kind of stress that people do not usually equate as being stressful. For example, getting a new job is a good thing. But, it is stressful. Having a baby is wonderful and stressful all at the same time. So, good stress and bad stress work in concert to challenge you on a daily basis. The other thing about stress is that "stress" is only as "stressful" as you decide it is!
Coping
When we talk about the idea of coping, we are looking at how successful at dealing with the stress in your life. Ineffective and sometimes unhealthy coping is usually focused only on making the stress better right now. Effective coping strategies also address whether or not they help the problem n the long run. Think about this concept. If I get high on drugs to make my problems go away, I might feel better for a little while. Unfortunately, the truth is I am not dealing with the stress. I am running from it and, at the same time, I am developing a drug habit. The problem is still there and is now compounded or made worse by the developing drug problem.
Emotional Reaction
I know you have had days where you felt angry, confused, overwhelmed, depressed, frustrated or anxious. Our emotions are good temperature gauges for what is going on with us. We deal with stress on a daily basis. Sometimes we do just fine. Other times no matter what we try , the stress remains. That is incredibly frustrating and leads to a wide array of destructive feelings.
Thinking Errors
Show me a person who is stressed out and emotionally overloaded and I will show you someone who is having increased problems making decisions. We say and do some really dumb stuff when we are stressed out. I said "we" because we have all been there. Lots of times, we make excuses for this because we say, "it's not like I do that all the time.". Or we tell ourselves, I deserve this because I have been under a lot of pressure lately. Many a relapse on negative behavior has come with these kinds of self-lies.
Triggers
What are Triggers and who has them? The answer is that Triggers can be anything depending on the person. Rain, someone pulling out in front of you, fear of rejection, the anniversary of the death of a loved one, a flat tire, payday, anything. Just like with stress, Triggers aren't always negative or something devastating. A fantasy of winning the lottery and quitting your job could lead you to pay the lotto. The fantasy is the Trigger in this example. Getting that new job or a promotion at work can be a positive Trigger. But, it is a trigger nonetheless.
Negative Behaviors
In a Negative Cycle, this area is the identified problem behavior that you are trying to avoid. If you are trying to avoid drinking or eating too much, that is the identified problem. If you are trying to stop yourself from rushing into relationship with the wrong people, then that is the identified problem. Think about what exactly your are trying to do when working this program. Saying, I want to work on my marriage is not specific enough. Instead, consider focusing on not having to win every argument. That is something you can learn to avoid and will, in turn, hopefully improve your marriage.
Guilt/Shame/Fear
You have an abundance of stress. Good stress and bad stress. Chronic stress and acute stress. You have tried and tried to avoid giving into the old ways. You tried different ways of coping. People suggested you trying going to bed early. Others suggested that you pray more. Still, others told you to take up reading or yoga. You tried it all. It still didn't work. You let your emotions get out of control, gave in to faulty thinking and reacted to triggers an renewed your negative harmful ways. What's next? If you have a conscience, and chances are you do, you feel horrible. Guilt and shame are normal reactions to doing something wrong. Fear of the consequences is also absolutely normal.
Promise To Change
So, now that you have "screwed up again" and broken your promise to your loved ones that you would never do that "bad thing" again, your motivation level to do better is very high. In fact, shame, guilt and fear are truly powerful motivators. With my clients, this is the opportunity for the greatest improvement. I don't know about you, but when I made mistakes and let my family down, that is when I was most charged up about changing. Unfortunately, our promises to change are ultimately meant to alleviate our shame and guilt in the short-term. Instead of learning to change, we promise to change and there is a major difference between the two.
Guilt Fades
I screwed up and feel badly about it. I am serious about being different. I have vowed never to repeat my mistakes. But, I don't learn how. Instead, since I feel so badly, leaving the negative behavior alone is pretty easy. This changing thing is going to be easier than I thought! Soon, my loved ones think I am fixed and stop treating me like I have disappointed and bitterly hurt them. We all relax and with that, with or without me seeing it, my motivation to be different starts to drift.
Return To Old Habits
With the heat off, life starts to slide back to what we normally do. Because I never learned how to change, I did not build into my life more effective ways f understanding how to be different. With that lack of knowledge in place, it is easy for me to start allowing old thoughts to return. With old thoughts come an easier path to return to looking at problems and dealing with them in similar ways. The person who suffers from anger issues starts to forecast motives in others. For example, " that guy did that on purpose because he doesn't respect me." Or, "People need to watch what they say". One of my personal favorites is, "Oh my God, some people should not be allowed to drive!"
Inner Circle
The Inner Circle has four parts. Each one is influenced by the elements of the outer Circle. Let's take a look at how this works.
Build Up
Look at the picture of the Cycle above. As you can see, the three areas that are connected to this section are Return of Old Habits, Stress and Coping. There is some overlap intended in that we also see a Build Up of emotions during this time. In essence as life goes on, stress happens. We see it based on our old thinking habits that we have developed over the years. In other words, our life experiences tell us what is stressful and what isn't. Don't worry it will become clear as we go on. Just focus on the fact that this is where life happens and stress builds up. We try and try to deal with it and sometimes feel like we can take much more.
Deeper Level Motivation
Where the Outer Circle is about the day-to-day life we live, the Inner Circle is about the life we have lived and how it has influenced who we are today. This section is all about those experiences in life that have shaped us over the years. People with poor self-esteem often times report they were raised by people or around people who reminded them that they weren't ever good enough. "If you had only tried harder you could have done better" was a message heard often. People who grew up in experiences where their value as people was directly connected to their looks or their sexuality may have major problems thinking they are unworthy of love unless they are wanted sexually. This area of study is the hard work. It is why we cope the ways we do, how we deal with emotions, where our thinking errors come from and what our Triggers are.
Breakdown
So with a build up of stress and feeling unable to deal with it, I am left trying to manage my emotions and thoughts in hopes of fending off those triggers that could lead me to go back to old negative behaviors. Unfortunately, because most of us do not really understand why we think the way we do to begin with, we do not have enough knowledge or tools in the toolbox to avoid another fall.
Honeymoon
Energized like the Energizer Bunny! "I m charged up and focused on being different. I have had enough with being like this." There is something about falling on your face or fear of losing everyone in your life that says "It's time to change!" Whenever my clients tell me "I'm done. I really mean it. I will never, ever do that again." I believe them. This is the greatest opportunity for change. What is it about us that we have to feel our worst or fear the worst in order to make a change? As I said, though, this is the time to LEARN to be different. Short-term fixes and hollow promises will not hold up over time. You have to do the work. Study these paragraphs for a while and then take a look at the Positive Cycle. But remember, this is not a quick fix. You cannot skip ahead and do the Positive Cycle without learning about the Negative Cycle first.